Dating is Hard

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It’s hard flipping through endless profiles trying to avoid the tools and the guys who want you to meet their mother within the first 3 dates.

It’s hard trying to find the perfect outfit that makes me forget about all of my physical and emotional flaws so maybe he’ll want to see me again.

Trying to find someone who is good and doesn’t care about my flaws is extremely hard. And when I do find that someone-they either end up ghosting me or telling me why I’m not good enough for them. So I was wrong about them in the first place.

I’ve been dating this amazing guy for the past month; he’s everything I’ve ever wanted. We met on Tinder and we’ve spent everyday together since we first met. I was hoping there would be no catch–guess who was wrong!? THIS GIRL. Turns out his job is sending him to a completely different state. I knew there was no way that this would end up going the way I wanted it to.

Until he said that he wanted to make this work. As in long distance. First of all- I’ve never had a guy want to do long distance. Second of all- long distance is hard. As. Fuck. We’ve both done long distance before and both of us have ended up putting in all the effort to make it work. I keep telling myself that this time will be different, but I have so many doubts and fears. 

It’s hard to want to try when you’re afraid of what might happen, which sounds ridiculous because I can’t control the future. He’s not walking away from us. It kind of freaks me out; I’m so used to being dropped. Maybe this time will be different.

It might be hard, but I’ll never know until I try, right? 

(Picture from http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-OAdv9_QnSBM

Being Ghosted

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I’ve always imagined what my perfect relationship would be like: my dream guy  and I would be inseparable. We would be able to be completely comfortable and goofy around each other, but also have the capability to hold deep conversations. We would be nonstop cute and flirty. Our dates would be simple yet fun: finding new places for food or coffee, watching a movie/bumming around together, or having outdoorsy adventures. A few months ago I finally found it; my perfect relationship.

My friends always ridicule me for using Tinder, but eh I keep going back to it anyways. I started talking to this guy who lived in my hometown. He seemed to be everything I dreamed of and more, but what was the catch here? Was there one? We met after a few weeks of talking and he just stole my heart. He was perfect and I wanted him all to myself. Everything continued to go so well. I also shared so many things about my life that I’ve never shared with any of my past boyfriends. I felt so comfortable…I felt so…in love.

I could see a future with this guy, but what I didn’t see coming was his ghosting. There was a full week of short one word answers from him over text. So I figured, okay he’s really busy with work, school, and his organizations. Then another week went by where I could barely get him to answer me. Another week went by where he would reply sometimes and then just ignore my texts. I tried talking to him again and he said I was bothering him. I gave him some space-which was a mistake because two weeks went by and I got absolutely nothing from him.

It’s been three weeks since he’s spoken to me, and my friends have finally convinced me to forget about it. I just don’t get why people become so intimate and attached to someone and then they stop talking to you without warning or reason. The term “ghosting” just baffles me. I understand the concept I just cannot for the life of me comprehend why this has to happen. Am I so repulsive that he can’t tell me to my face that he doesn’t want to be with me? I’ll never know why I was ghosted. I know-the relationship was only a little over 2 months long, but it still really hurts to go through this phantom experience. There are so many questions I have, and all I want is some closure. I would much rather be broken up with face to face or over the phone than go through this again.

Have you ever been ghosted? What was your experience like?

 

Three Words.

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I. Love. You. Three words that change your relationship.

I. Love. you. Three words that confuse me.

You tell me you love me, yet you beat me down with your words. “Your opinion doesn’t matter, how stupid can you be? You wanna keep talkin’ then maybe I should leave. No one cares about your problems; don’t even ask me to help you solve them.”

You tell me I’m perfect, yet you point out my flaws. “You can’t gain weight-trust me I’ll leave- It’s only fate. I don’t like the way you dress. Your hair is always a mess. You’re too loud. You’re a pussy. You’re a pansy. You won’t put out…then maybe you should get out.”

You tell me I’m beautiful, but you shove pictures of model after model in my face and complain because I don’t look like them.

You say you’ll support me through anything, but you’re still mad at me for going to school. Instead you want me to stay home with babies cleaning up their drool. You don’t want me to have a life, yet you want me to be your wife. See it’s funny because I’d rather kill myself with this knife.

I was no where near ready when you sighed and pressured me into it. You didn’t even care that I cried when you were through with it. Yet you tell me you love me…

You tell me you love me, yet here I sit spilling my guts to someone with a clipboard and pills thinking I’m crazy because I want to cut.

You do all of these things that I know are wrong, but something inside is forcing me to say these three words…

I. Love. You.

I’m Losin’ it.

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Let me tell you…this year has been such a shit show. After finally ending an abusive relationship, I dropped out of school and laid in bed for two months. Two months I laid there listening to the monsters in my head try to convince me that I’m better off dead. My family doesn’t understand depression, so they left me alone to do my thing. Which was a good and bad idea. I had many thoughts and strategies as to how I could possibly end my life that I thought was going no where.

The first few weeks I just laid there. My Dad made fun of me for “being lazy” because he doesn’t believe depression is a real thing and refuses to acknowledge that there is something wrong with his daughter. I made an effort to watch TV with the family so he would leave me alone. We watched the show “My 600 Pound Life” and holy shit was that a game changer. This man named Joe struggled with his weight and depression when one day he had a wake up call that would change his life. “I’m not going to let them bury me,” is my favorite quote of his. He started changing his lifestyle; he exercised, ate way healthier than ever, received the okay to have a gastric bypass surgery, started dating this girl (from Iowa yay!!), and now he’s married. This man has lost over 400 pounds and is now my inspiration. I wanted to be like Joe; I wanted to be successful.

The following day something just clicked, changed. I put on my favorite workout leggings, tennis shoes, headband, and walked out the front door. I walked the countryside for about 5 miles and plopped down in someone’s field. I stared in awe at the natural landscape and the farms- it was all just so beautiful to me. I sat there for a few hours- I even found myself smiling. I loved the feeling of being so free by simply walking and staring at the sky, so I made this an every day activity. I still came home and laid in bed for the rest of the day, but it was definitely a start. When I started my summer job I walked a few miles everyday and started to eat healthier. It’s now September and since the beginning of the summer I’ve lost 40 pounds and I couldn’t be happier. Thank you Joe for being an incredible human and inspiration.

 

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Farmer Appreciation

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Sorry this is a very random post…

So I live in the country and everyday I take a long walk on the back roads by my home. Today as I was walking all I could see were gorgeous fields and trees for miles. There was another thing I saw as I came closer and closer to the ditches. Trash. Trash was everywhere. What possesses someone to throw their crap into someone else’s property? Are they really that lazy?

I can’t imagine what these farmers are thinking when they see all this crap in their fields. This is really weird, but I actually commend farmers. I don’t know how they do what they do. I know I can’t grow anything to save my life; my cactus plant died for crying out loud. I know for a damn fact I couldn’t feed thousands of people. Most of these farmers out here probably aren’t contracted with any big box companies to sell their products, but they’re still growing food for other people. So why trash a field housing crops that feed your community? Your nation? Your world?

If there’s anything valuable I’ve learned in the restaurant business it’s that you shouldn’t mess with the people who handle your food.