I. Love. You. Three words that change your relationship.
I. Love. you. Three words that confuse me.
You tell me you love me, yet you beat me down with your words. “Your opinion doesn’t matter, how stupid can you be? You wanna keep talkin’ then maybe I should leave. No one cares about your problems; don’t even ask me to help you solve them.”
You tell me I’m perfect, yet you point out my flaws. “You can’t gain weight-trust me I’ll leave- It’s only fate. I don’t like the way you dress. Your hair is always a mess. You’re too loud. You’re a pussy. You’re a pansy. You won’t put out…then maybe you should get out.”
You tell me I’m beautiful, but you shove pictures of model after model in my face and complain because I don’t look like them.
You say you’ll support me through anything, but you’re still mad at me for going to school. Instead you want me to stay home with babies cleaning up their drool. You don’t want me to have a life, yet you want me to be your wife. See it’s funny because I’d rather kill myself with this knife.
I was no where near ready when you sighed and pressured me into it. You didn’t even care that I cried when you were through with it. Yet you tell me you love me…
You tell me you love me, yet here I sit spilling my guts to someone with a clipboard and pills thinking I’m crazy because I want to cut.
You do all of these things that I know are wrong, but something inside is forcing me to say these three words…
Let me tell you…this year has been such a shit show. After finally ending an abusive relationship, I dropped out of school and laid in bed for two months. Two months I laid there listening to the monsters in my head try to convince me that I’m better off dead. My family doesn’t understand depression, so they left me alone to do my thing. Which was a good and bad idea. I had many thoughts and strategies as to how I could possibly end my life that I thought was going no where.
The first few weeks I just laid there. My Dad made fun of me for “being lazy” because he doesn’t believe depression is a real thing and refuses to acknowledge that there is something wrong with his daughter. I made an effort to watch TV with the family so he would leave me alone. We watched the show “My 600 Pound Life” and holy shit was that a game changer. This man named Joe struggled with his weight and depression when one day he had a wake up call that would change his life. “I’m not going to let them bury me,” is my favorite quote of his. He started changing his lifestyle; he exercised, ate way healthier than ever, received the okay to have a gastric bypass surgery, started dating this girl (from Iowa yay!!), and now he’s married. This man has lost over 400 pounds and is now my inspiration. I wanted to be like Joe; I wanted to be successful.
The following day something just clicked, changed. I put on my favorite workout leggings, tennis shoes, headband, and walked out the front door. I walked the countryside for about 5 miles and plopped down in someone’s field. I stared in awe at the natural landscape and the farms- it was all just so beautiful to me. I sat there for a few hours- I even found myself smiling. I loved the feeling of being so free by simply walking and staring at the sky, so I made this an every day activity. I still came home and laid in bed for the rest of the day, but it was definitely a start. When I started my summer job I walked a few miles everyday and started to eat healthier. It’s now September and since the beginning of the summer I’ve lost 40 pounds and I couldn’t be happier. Thank you Joe for being an incredible human and inspiration.