I’m Losin’ it.

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Let me tell you…this year has been such a shit show. After finally ending an abusive relationship, I dropped out of school and laid in bed for two months. Two months I laid there listening to the monsters in my head try to convince me that I’m better off dead. My family doesn’t understand depression, so they left me alone to do my thing. Which was a good and bad idea. I had many thoughts and strategies as to how I could possibly end my life that I thought was going no where.

The first few weeks I just laid there. My Dad made fun of me for “being lazy” because he doesn’t believe depression is a real thing and refuses to acknowledge that there is something wrong with his daughter. I made an effort to watch TV with the family so he would leave me alone. We watched the show “My 600 Pound Life” and holy shit was that a game changer. This man named Joe struggled with his weight and depression when one day he had a wake up call that would change his life. “I’m not going to let them bury me,” is my favorite quote of his. He started changing his lifestyle; he exercised, ate way healthier than ever, received the okay to have a gastric bypass surgery, started dating this girl (from Iowa yay!!), and now he’s married. This man has lost over 400 pounds and is now my inspiration. I wanted to be like Joe; I wanted to be successful.

The following day something just clicked, changed. I put on my favorite workout leggings, tennis shoes, headband, and walked out the front door. I walked the countryside for about 5 miles and plopped down in someone’s field. I stared in awe at the natural landscape and the farms- it was all just so beautiful to me. I sat there for a few hours- I even found myself smiling. I loved the feeling of being so free by simply walking and staring at the sky, so I made this an every day activity. I still came home and laid in bed for the rest of the day, but it was definitely a start. When I started my summer job I walked a few miles everyday and started to eat healthier. It’s now September and since the beginning of the summer I’ve lost 40 pounds and I couldn’t be happier. Thank you Joe for being an incredible human and inspiration.

 

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Farmer Appreciation

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Sorry this is a very random post…

So I live in the country and everyday I take a long walk on the back roads by my home. Today as I was walking all I could see were gorgeous fields and trees for miles. There was another thing I saw as I came closer and closer to the ditches. Trash. Trash was everywhere. What possesses someone to throw their crap into someone else’s property? Are they really that lazy?

I can’t imagine what these farmers are thinking when they see all this crap in their fields. This is really weird, but I actually commend farmers. I don’t know how they do what they do. I know I can’t grow anything to save my life; my cactus plant died for crying out loud. I know for a damn fact I couldn’t feed thousands of people. Most of these farmers out here probably aren’t contracted with any big box companies to sell their products, but they’re still growing food for other people. So why trash a field housing crops that feed your community? Your nation? Your world?

If there’s anything valuable I’ve learned in the restaurant business it’s that you shouldn’t mess with the people who handle your food.

CAUTION: WIDE CALVES!

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Yes, I am a big girl with big calves. Sometimes it’s kind of hard to accept the fact that I can’t fit into or pull off clothes that all the skinny girls wear. I have a shopping problem; I LOVE CLOTHES. Especially shoes. Holy cow shoes are my favorite. But when it comes to buying boots, it can be kind of a downer.

Sooo I’m a size 8 in shoes,but when it comes to boot buying that’s a whole different ball game. My calves don’t always allow me to fit into the knee high boots that are all the rage, so sometimes I have to go up a size just to fit into them all the way. Then that turns into me tripping over my own feet because my shoes are too big. (Duh captain obvious!)

I always get discouraged and give up on boots and move on to something else. This sounds completely insane right? Am I really being extremely self conscious over a pair of boots? You’re right it sounds insane- until it hits you that you can’t fit into a pair of shoes because of your calves. Then the whole over-thinking -my-body-image thing comes back to haunt me again. I’m NOT saying that girls with big calves aren’t absolutely gorgeous, but when I see “wide calf fit” and they fit me, that doesn’t make me feel very good about myself. Ya know?

One day I went to go pull a box of shoes off a shelf and another one proceeded to hit me in the face. After cursing at the box I became curious…sitting in that box was the cutest, dreamiest pair of boots I’ve ever seen!! But there was a catch…they were wide calf boots…Do I dare try them on?

I took a second and set aside my weird obsession with hating anything associated with the word “wide,” because these were seriously the cutest things I’ve ever seen! I tried them on!! *GASP* These boots fit incredibly well and they were my size AND they go with everything!! I pranced around the store for a solid 20 minutes before an associate asked if I was going to buy them…whoops! I bought them of course…but it’s amazing how good a pair of boots make me feel about myself even if they are a wide calf fit.

I’m not saying that you should develop an unhealthy obsession with clothes and buy things that make you feel better about yourself, but you should feel good in the things you wear and not feel ashamed of the size or label that shows up on your clothes. If you buy a shirt that is a 2x or maybe a pair of jeans that are an 18 curvy fit who cares? If you shop in the plus sized section, who cares?  As long as you feel beautiful and amazing in the things you wear, that’s all that really matters.

Big Booty Epiphany

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Growing up in a suburb (lacking any kind of diversity) outside of Des Moines, everyone was expected to be prim, proper, and…well perfect. At least that’s how it was in my neighborhood. The people I lived by never failed to flaunt their perfect lives.

All of the girls around my age had perfect, skinny bodies-and they knew it. They would all come over to my house to swim, and when it came time to expose myself in my swimsuit, the girls just sat there and stared. “Why is your butt so big?” From that moment on it was like my ass was everyone’s business.

The comments followed me into middle school, but the comments turned into teasing and soon bullying which totally ruined my self esteem. Girls would always whisper behind my back about how GINORMOUS my ass was. I always thought that was a bad thing and hated my body completely.

Then the glorious years of high school finally came and the big booty teasing finally stopped. Why? Because something amazing happened. Some girls would come up to me and say that they wished they had an ass like mine. Say whattt???

This plus size, thick, curvy revolution sparked around the world. Women everywhere started embracing their big butts, arms, legs, stomachs and hearts; girls my age were jealous of these women! To have that kind of self confidence is incredible.

THEN I HAD AN EPIPHANY.

There will always be those women who are obsessed with being skinny and judge those who aren’t a size negative 5, but WHO CARES WHAT THEY THINK?? Models for every freaking company have it ingrained in our minds that you HAVE to look like this and you HAVE to have this body.

BUT NEWS FLASH: No one is THAT perfect! And if they are, they have flaws just like the rest of us.

While these big beautiful women were publicly showing off their curves, they showed me that I should love who I am and flaunt what I’ve got! It’s okay to be different! It’s okay to be thick and have a real body with beautiful curves!

I have been so caught up in trying to squeeze into the skinny comformity that I forgot to stop and be thankful for the beautiful body I have.